I'll Show You Love
by CarineM
Summary: Somewhere along the way I lost you and I lost myself. I'll fight for us because our love is worth it. A MerDer one shot written from Derek's POV.


Title: I'll Show You Love

Diclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy.

Summary: Somewhere along the way I lost you and I lost myself. I'll fight for us because our love is worth it. A MerDer one shot written from Derek's POV.

Beta-Reader: ILoveMcDreamysSmirk, thanks again for your availability.

* * *

I can't tell what happened. I do understand how much I've hurt her. Her people and, first of all, her person think of me as a jackass. Mark thinks I'm whipped and pathetic. My family thinks I'm going through a mid-life crisis. They know nothing about us; I'm the only one who knows how I feel about her. Unfortunately, we have reached what I fear sometimes is a point of no return. But still I can't let her go, I'm that weak, that addicted to her.

Today I paged her because I miss spending time with her. She is my light at the end of the tunnel and I like to believe that, at some point, I was hers too. We used to be happy. I don't wish to erase all of the unhappy memories - that'd be foolish. However, I may not be ready to forget but I have forgiven. I wish she would do the same and give me her trust back. I want our life together to take a new path. I wanted to have lunch with her so we could talk, share feelings. Mark would call me pussy-whipped but I'm beyond caring. She didn't want any of that, 'just the sex and the mockery,' she told me. She has to understand that it is not enough for me. And my broken heart hopes that at the end, it's not enough for her too.

I won't give up on her. That's the flaw that pushed her to be afraid of committing herself to me. Only, I have changed and she won't acknowledge it. I'm hurting and I feel depressed. I'm that pathetic without her. Tonight, I will bare my soul. It may be a huge risk but she has to realize that I want all of her because, to me, she is amazing, and I love her with all my heart.

There she is, waiting for me in the lobby. She still makes my heart race but tonight it's more out of panic. I fear rejection. I call her name; she turns around and gives me a smile. I smile back at her and suddenly, I feel lighter. I'm ready, I can do it. I go down the stairs and make my way to the beautiful creature who used to be entirely mine as I was hers. I take her by the hand to guide her every step, not allowing her time to protest. Strangely, she doesn't, she just frowned but let me get away with it.

"Derek! Are you listening to me?" She isn't following me anymore but hasn't let go of my hand.

I was so preoccupied by what I was going to say to her that I can't say that I was. She pouts in that adorable way and I can't help smiling.

"And now you're mocking me!" She exclaimed indignantly but somewhat amused.

"Sex and Mockery, isn't it?" I pull her closer to me, "Now that we've got the mockery out of the way…"I say, our faces inches apart.

"Aren't you quite the insatiable one, Dr. Shepherd?" she giggles and I swear I have never heard such a beautiful sound especially when it's aimed at me. We're good at that part, the flirting part but tonight we'll find out if we are also good at the talking part.

"Only with you. Now what it is that you were saying?"

"I was thinking we could go get some drinks at Joe's but we can skip that part," She brushed her lips against my ears and the action renders me breathless. I always wondered how she could provoke such strong reactions from me with such simple gestures.

Any other time, I would have taken her on the offer but tonight, I have to be strong. Furthermore, I recognize this attempt as an apology for the way she brushed me off earlier and I decide to heartily accept it.

"You know what's better than sex?" I asked her huskily, feeling the light breeze of her breathing on my ear.

"What would that be?"

"Anticipation, so let's go get those drinks." I brushed my lips against hers and feel her catch her breath. I'm delighted that I also can take her breath away.

"You're a tease." She shakes her head.

"Now you can't say that, I always deliver"

"Cocky much?" She snorts "And don't even think about making a joke."

I put my hand on her back and we resume walking. I concentrate on the soft cotton of her grey coat. Her simplicity has always attracted me. We reach the sliding doors of the hospital and the fresh air ruffles her hair, emphasizing her natural beauty.

During our exchange, I had forgotten how stressed I actually was. She must have sensed it because she is occasionally casting worried looks my way. I return her glance offering her what I hope is a reassuring smile. Joe's never appeared to be that far away.

We spot a booth at the right corner, and I offer to go get our drinks.

"What a gentleman, first you help me take off my coat and now you go get the drinks. If I didn't know you better, I'd think you're trying to seduce me." She banters.

"Who said I wasn't?" I wink playfully at her before going to the bar.

I return with our two beers "Joe says hi."

She casts a glance in direction of the bar and waves at the bartender who returns it.

"Has it already been four years since we've met?" My voice is filled with melancholy.

She doesn't seem to know how to respond. She just looks at me and I wish I could read her mind because I'm at loss. I tilt my head to the right as if it'd help me. I'm watching her with such intensity that she flushes a little bit and averts my piercing gaze.

"I'm not an X-Ray, Derek." She frowns at me.

I'm confused "What?"

"Stop staring at me as if I was a puzzle to solve."

"I wish I could."

She takes a sip of her beer as if she knows something is happening. She doesn't know what and wishes she could just ignore it. Her concern gets the better of her when she asks me "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not, Mer."

"What's wrong?"

I have so many things to tell her that I don't know where to begin. At the same time, I have seen how she has interacted so far with me and it has changed from the past days. Maybe bringing those issues up will only make her withdraw once more. Only, if we can't talk, I see no future ahead of us and that thought gives me the creeps.

She takes my hand and I shift my attention back to her "Derek, you can talk to me. Did you lose a patient?"

I shake my head "I love you." it just escapes me, but now it is too late, it's out there and I no longer feel the warmth of her hand on mine.

She stares blankly at me, her mouth slightly open. She is trying to absorb what my uncontrolled mouth just let out. We now sit in silence, our beers long forgotten as our banter. I wish I could dig a hole and crawl into it until she has made up her mind. At least she hasn't bolted for the exit.

"Meredith," her name rolls out of my tongue but I can't seem to make my brain function. I have so many things to tell her, here is my chance and all I can do is stare at her, expecting her to disappear.

"You are not okay and you…and you…love me or you are not okay because you…love me?" Her voice conveys her uneasiness.

The fact that she can't even say I love her without hesitating breaks my heart. What kills me more is that I am responsible for her lack of trust. I had chosen wrong when she had poured her heart out to me.

"I have no problem loving the amazing woman that you are," I tell her sincerely wishing I could have found a way less scaring for her to tell her.

"Stop!" She says forcefully. She is now gripping her glass so strongly that I'm afraid it will break.

"Meredith" I try to take her hand holding the glass but she pushes it back so fast that my hand stays mid-air reaching for hers. I feel like that's the story of our relationship. One reaches while the other pulls away. But I'm convinced that one day, we will go at the same pace again. I take back my dejected hand. I'm a really proud man, sometimes even arrogant but with Meredith I'm finally ready to let my guard down. Whatever it takes, I'll show her how much I love _her_ and not just the _idea_ of a relationship.

"I thought we agreed," She regretfully says just above a whisper; I barely hear her. She now avoids all eye contact with me.

"I was ready to agree to whatever you wanted just so I could be with you," I hated the helplessness in my tone.

"I didn't want anything from you, we could have broken up but you're the one who started with the sex so I thought it was fine as long as it only stayed sex…" she states pointedly.

"Is that all you want from me? Sex?" I asked, anxious for her reply.

"That's all I know you can offer me without disappointment." She replies regretfully as if she didn't want to reveal that much.

"Are you ever going to forgive me?"

"I've forgiven you, Derek. It doesn't mean I want to put myself in that vulnerable position again. So now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading back home."

"Don't go," I beg her and see an ounce of hesitation in her eyes, "We can fix this," I assure her.

"There is nothing left to fix; I don't want any fixing." Her eyes avert mine.

"Meredith, look me in the eyes and tell me that it's over."

"I already tried that. Looks like it didn't work."

"Is that really what you want? If I believed you, I would leave you alone."

"You can't always be right," She looks up at me and I see determination in her eyes, "I can't go through another relationship with you, it's over. I'm sorry." She bolts out of the booth.

I sit there, unable to properly function. She has said it and I have believed her. It's really over. Am I giving up too easily? I can't answer that. All I know, is I don't want to make her suffer more than I already did. If she doesn't feel like she can trust me again, then it really is over. Except…I can't accept it. Since I've met her, when I think of the future, I think about her.

I don't know how long I've been staying here, looking at my now empty beer. I take hers and drink it too. I look up and I see Mark sitting where she was. He looks at me confused.

"What's wrong?" He asks me.

"I love her," I feel like a broken record.

"I'm sorry, man. What happened?"

"It's over, really over, this time." _And I'm miserable._

"Something you can do about it?"

"No," and this is the first time I realize, it's really happening; she is out of my life.

"I'll be right back."

Mark goes with the two empty glasses and comes back with a bottle of scotch, two glasses and ice. He pours me one and one for himself. We drink in silence. Mark has always known how to take care of me when I'm down. I start to feel dizzy but it doesn't help with the sorrow.

"She is the love of my life," I empty my glass and Mark pours me another one.

"I don't know what to tell you."

"You never believed in us, no one did." I empty my glass another time, and Mark serves me another time but a little less.

"Take it easy, Derek. I'm sorry I didn't. It's just that I felt like she would never get ready for you."

"She has her own pace - baby steps - but she goes on. I never realized it because she is too subtle about it, but she wasn't using me." I take a large sip, "She was not using me." I repeat vehemently.

"I believe you."

"I don't imagine my life without her and I don't want to." I say distressed.

"Then don't!" Mark exclaims, "If you love her that much, fight for her!"

"I tried, and tonight, I tried again" I slightly slur but still I take another large sip of my drink wishing to forget it all. I hate feeling out of control.

"So you're just going to give up?" Mark frowns at me, "Look where it lead you with Addison."

"You in my bed," I answer bitterly but I'm not really angry at Mark and he knows it. He pours me another glass of scotch and I look at it.

"That girl has more commitment issues than me and that only says a lot. But she gave you a chance."

"She did and I blew it, now it's too late." I'm starting to feel numb and I like it, nothing seems to matter much.

"You once told me that things we care for are things we have to fight for and never take for granted."

"You remember that?" I look up at my best friend and for the first time since his betrayal, I see him again as my brother.

"I always admired that in you, you never gave up" He tells me sheepishly and this is one of those rare moments he lets his guard down and lets me witness his vulnerability hidden behind that pretty mask of arrogance. "Well, until Addison and now Meredith," I lowered my head at the mention of her name, "If you tell me she is the love of your life, isn't she worth another try? What have you got to lose?"

At this point, I know he isn't only talking about Meredith. We once lost each other too but we gave it another try because our love is worth it. People would take a laugh at that, those who believe we are gay. I chuckle thinking about all those times we had to deny being lovers.

"What's so funny?" He looks offended that I could do so after he had opened his heart for me and I understand how fragile he really is.

"I'm not laughing at you, Mark" He pours me another glass not entirely satisfied by my answer, "People think we're gay," I openly laugh this time and his laugh follows mine.

"I'm here trying to cheer you up and you think about people thinking we are gay?" He smirks, "You may have been dumped but I'm not available," He adds playfully.

"Don't flatter yourself" I retort snorting. Mark's words hit painfully close to home. I have to give it another try. Of course, that would be her first reaction, run away at all costs.

"What are you thinking about?" Mark wonders.

"I'll show her how much I love her." I reply with a renew confidentiality I didn't know I possess. Alcohol does do wonder to your courage.

"Any idea?" After his pep talk, I find him relatively pessimistic.

"I can't drive."

"Way to state the obvious, genius" He mocks me but I don't care.

"You're going to drive me."

"Yes, sir," He salutes me but right now, being mocked because I'm slightly tipsy is the last of my concern, "And where would that be? Let me guess," He pretends thinking, "Meredith's house, I suppose"

"No, my trailer"

"What?" He exclaims with disbelief. "I thought…but…" He falters.

"I heard you, Mark, now I need to get home." I get up and slightly lose my balance but I catch the table.

"Are you all right?" Mark gets up to help me.

"I'm fine, just a little drunk."

"A little?" he sarcastically replies eyeing the half-empty bottle. "Wait a sec" He goes to the bar with the bottle, gives it back to Joe and gets back to me. "Let's go." He walks to the exit and I follow him. We get in his car and he shoots me a few confused glances. I know he doesn't understand but if I tell him why I need to go home, he wouldn't understand either.

Once arrived, I tell him to wait for me. He wonders why but doesn't ask, just nods. I come back with the object I was looking for and get back in his car.

"Okay, now I'm really confused, what the hell is that for?"

"I need it, you would mock me if I tell you why, I'd rather do it and be mocked after"

"Just so you know, I'm not putting it in my car."

"Drive me to your hotel now."

"At your service, sir," He shakes his head but doesn't protest.

"Please," I say before putting my head on the car window and my thoughts once again drift back to the object of my affection.

He parks his car, stops the engine, and makes a move to go out of the car when I tell him, "Wait for me here, please." He looks at me as if I have two heads but has realized that it's not worth asking since he won't get an answer.

I get back with the thing I was convoying but I'm not quite satisfied. "This is not exactly what I was looking for but it will do."

"Okay," He is visibly lost but chooses to let me get away with it, "now where to, sir?"

"Meredith's house."

"And let me get this straight, that's your plan to get her back?"He appears more curious than judging but is skeptical, "I heard jewelry is the way to a woman's heart."

"Not to Meredith's heart." I smile, content.

"And that thing is?"

"I hope so, I really do."

As we get near her house, I feel the same panic I felt earlier. My heart races and I fear rejection.

"It's going to be okay," Mark must have heard my rapid successions of breaths.

I don't find the strength to reply but I feel calmer, almost serene. I feel like the protected kid I was, my big brother has my back. Suddenly I'm not afraid anymore, I can do it.

He parks in her driveway and I know she is awake. Lights come from her living room. Decidedly, nothing goes as planned but does it really matter?

"Put that on, please" I give it to him and go out of the car leaving my car door open.

He makes a face but does as told and the music starts playing.

_She's gentle to the touch  
She's everything head first  
So happy to be causing trouble_

I stand half-way between the car and her door, expecting her. Her door opens, her mouth hangs slightly open as she sees me. She looks what I hold in my hand before staring back at me. I know she understands the sense of my gesture and what it means. She makes hesitant steps towards me. I feel less drunk because of the alcohol but more because of her.

_Sometimes  
The pressure gets too much  
And you think she's going to burst  
And shatter like a Christmas bauble_

She stops at arm's length from me. I barely notice Cristina, looking at me as if I had lost my head, or Mark who had gone out of the car, both were looking at the scene unfolding in front of them. They can't understand but they know something important is going on.

_I'll be there when the world is  
coming down upon her  
When she's scared, I'll be there  
Fighting in her corner_

"This is for you," I tend to her the piece of chocolate cake I was holding on a plate. She takes it with a hesitant hand and I see her eyes watering.

_She cries when she's alone  
For all life's little knocks  
Everything is supposed to make us tougher  
Thinking is doesn't really show  
But I know how she hurts  
And I can't bare to see her suffer  
_

"Meredith, you have a choice to make, it's simple," I tilt my head and give her a little smile, "It's a life with me in it or one without me. I know you could still do great in your life if you choose to continue it without me." I tell her sincerely.

_I'll be there when the world is  
coming down upon her  
When she's scared, I'll be there  
Fighting in her corner  
I'll be there when the walls are closing to surround her  
In the air as she falls with my arms around her  
_

"But Meredith," her name rolls out of my tongue and I like the feel of it, "I love you in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, I even own the CD because when I listen to it, it makes me think about you, kind of way. I would definitely share the last piece of cake with you, you know I'm a health-nut" I'm impressed I can even joke with how stressed I am.

_Holding on I'm looking out for  
Her thin skin  
Because she's everything  
and I don't think she knows_

_She's such a gentle touch  
She's too much a gentle touch  
She likes to catch the sun  
Plays with it like a ball  
And never mind whatever keeps it burning  
Someday, she might just be the one  
Whose going to save us all  
If this Apocalypse is coming  
_

"But you see; this is not perfect. I'm not holding a radio to your window, this is not cheesecake. But our story doesn't have to be perfect. Sometimes, you will yell at me, sometimes I will yell at you but we'll always find our way to each other because I believe our love is worth it. So let's not be great alone but extraordinary together."

_I'll be there when the world is  
coming down upon her  
When she's scared, I'll be there  
Fighting in her corner  
I'll be there when the walls are closing to surround her  
In the air as she falls with my arms around her  
_

I did it. I told her everything I wanted. She is there looking at me, her lower lip slightly trembling. She puts the plate down and walks to me. I can see love reflecting in her eyes, I can tell because that is exactly how I look when I look at her or think about her. She bumps into me and I enveloped her with my arms. I feel like it has been a long time since I had seen her but here she is, my Meredith.

_Holding on I'm looking out for  
Her thin skin  
Because she's everything  
and I don't think she knows_

She grips my vest with her two hands "I love you, Derek," I look into her beautiful green eyes and I had never been happier in my life. I take her face in both my hands and slightly lean towards her. She leans too and I kiss her. We kiss in a gentle way; our lips hesitantly touch as if we were both afraid the other would disappear. We feel more confident, our tender caution is quickly replaced with an ever creasing passion. We slowly part our lips and look into each other's eyes.

Even Cristina does not interrupt our moment with a sarcastic comment about how gross or whipped we are.

_I don't think she knows_  
_I don't think she knows_  
_(she's too much)_  
_I don't think she knows_  
_(she's too much) a gentle touch_

Song by Duran Duran: She's too much

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think please.


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